directions reversed

I started this in my last post but decided it really needed to be by itself, edit #2 this turned into way more than I intended it and basically turned into a brief summary of my life until the present.

So, it has occurred to me that my life seems to revolve around cars(if you take the re off revolve and switch the e to an o you get volvo!). In part it does, but that's really just how it's been recently and what gets me excited like a kid in a candy shop. I'm trying to change my focus back to a lot of the things that really gave me joy the last 4-5 years of my life now that my schooling is finally coming to a close. I've got mixed feeling about that, on one hand I'll finally be free of homework, tests, and 2am study sessions. On the other hand I'll have to admit defeat in a sense and grow up. Sure, I'll still act immature around my friends and realistically not a lot will change beyond trading school for a job. I'll still be the same person with different responsibilities, but my decisions will carry a lot more weight.

I know everybody grows up at some point, but everyone takes it differently. There are many things I look forward to after school, I'll finally have a good paycheck, eventually buy a house, get married, have a kid, etc...I really do look forward to those things, but it's kind of a role reversal that I've been dreading. Looking back on it, I had a really good childhood. There were many ups and downs, years I'd kill to get back and years I'd like to kill from my memory. All in all however it was a net positive experience and something that I was told a few times but never really began to understand until I was ~15, "stop trying to grow older, you're only a kid once so live it up. If you don't you'll regret it as you become an adult". I think that summarizes it perfectly. I didn't understand it then, I thought life was cherry when you turned 21 and then it took forever to grow old. How wrong I was...

I'd consider my true childhood preschool through 5th grade and looking back on it those years flew by. It's hard to really comprehend that ended about 12 years ago...Then for some(me included) there was the dreaded transition years of middle school. It was hard on many and really not a high point of my life. One thing I do need to mention is every summer I had until college was awesome, so even during the bad times there was always summer to look forward to. I do have a few regrets including my style of dress in middle school, super shitty diet, and video games(although I escaped that trap a lot earlier than many, 9th grade).

Transition to highschool and I was lost like many, back to the bottom of the food chain so to speak. It got a lot better as I really got into biking and met a bunch more people that did the same. I had a ton of fun going up to the woods and building illegal trails even if they were super easy stunts and nothing linked up. It was my first of 4 times up at whistler for DH'ing and I was hooked! I did lose my best friend(since preschool, and the reason I have a 2002) in a way that year, he got girlfriend and was whipped beyond belief. She was an uber bitch and basically exiled any of his previous friends whom she did not like. I still saw him around occasionally but by the end of the year we had drifted away, sadly that was 8 years ago...a nearly 12 year friendship ruined by some stupid bitch(side note, she is long gone and he admitted she had him by the balls) and we still have yet to meet up.

Sophmore year started out the same with tons of biking but that seemed to be a fad and by the next spring I was one of may 3 or 4 of the original 20ish. I honestly don't remember a lot about the second half of that year, I rode alone often or with Bronson. Second time up at Whistler Bronson came again, however this time he was not so lucky and I nearly lost another best friend but in a much worse way. I'll spare the details but that was not a good trip. This is when I began to realize my childhood was gone and would not be coming back...yet I still didn't do anything to live everyday to it's fullest.

Junior year came around and no one was riding anymore except a few freshmen, again I don't remember much of that year because I wasn't hanging out with the same people from freshman year. Midway through I started hanging out with them again and proceeded to have one of the best years of my life. Everything was going well for a month until I destroyed myself snowboarding and was immobile for a few weeks and had a cast for a few months. I got out of that and still no one was back into riding. Summer came and ended up being the best and probably most memorable summer I've ever had. There was nothing in particular about it, we were just always hanging out and coming up with interesting/crazy stuff to do. I got up to whistler again with Andrew this time, it was trouble free and an awesome time. Sadly that was the last time I camped at Waldo Lake with my parents and family friends. That was a trip I looked forward to all summer for as long as I can remember(another major turning point).

Senior year started up with a good vibe still rolling from summer. Things slowed down again but winter break was good. Then during the succeeding two months we had two coast parties where I was introduced to intoxication. I was hooked, however I still didn't drink more than maybe every other month until summer and even then it was not more than once a month. I bought my first car, a '71 BMW 2002 (Agave) and preceded to have nothing but problems with it for the next few years... Prom came, I had a great time even as unorganized as our night was and only spending maybe an hour at the actual event. Summer was different, it wasn't as good as the preceding summer since many had jobs and one main creative mind began to slip into a self induced haze.

College starts, I'm at UW in pre civil engineering. I got my first paycheck job in october, working at the campus bike shop. I made some friends, but nothing like the friends I had in Eugene. I started out in a shitty dorm setup but was able to finagle my way into Lander with most of my friends. Spring term came, I arrived back at my room to find my roommate and all his stuff gone. He moved out with out telling anyone, I ended up with a single for the price of a double and with my view of lake Washington/my couch, stereo, and lighting it was perfect. However, I could not discipline myself well and for the first time in my life my grades were below the average. Lots of inopportune drinking, adventures, and lack of studying. I passed all my classes, but barely. Summer came and I got a full time job at a bike shop in Eugene which just enabled me to buy a lot more bike stuff, not a lot of noteworthy things happened that summer.

Sophomore year I moved off campus into a house with one friend and another dude off craigslist who ended up being a total self loathing douche bag. Nothing improved, I barely partied, worked at the bike shop, and procrastinated like none other while geeking out over everything bike related and my '02. I really began to hate UW and feared not getting into Proschool. My adviser was worthless and I really began to notice how little the teachers cared about their students. I decided that winter that I would transfer to OSU and not look back. I still applied to Proschool and actually got in but not until mid summer and by that time I was fully committed to OSU. Summer came and I did the same bike shop routine, spending all of what I earned and the end result was a few more bikes completed and one sick ass DH bike(37.4lb Canfield Jedi).

Sophomore year part deux began as I lost credits in the transfer. I applied to proschool that fall and made it in. Ironically while visiting friends that november I met someone at a party which I nearly didn't attend. We talked for a long time and something just clicked, I made sure to remember where she worked and two days later dropped in with the whole "oh, I didn't realize you worked here" line...even though it was 3 miles out of my way. We hung out a bit more later that day and by the end of that day I knew it would happen. I visited again after school got out in december and it was all going well so I came back for new years. Unfortunately 300 miles and being a full time student makes visits difficult. Classes weren't too hard so I worked my ass off once a month and I was able to squeeze in a visit roughly once a month. Thank god for technology, skype was a savior! Spring break I headed to cali to pick up the beginnings of a project car with a friend(the '02 turbo). I hit up the april and may Fluidride cup races in Port Angeles and had a blast, finishing that off with a few days in Seattle with Nicole. It wasn't to be though, the distance was really too big a hurdle to overcome. It was hard to deal with and frankly the next month sucked.

Not more than a few weeks later my favorite grandpa died from Alzheimer's and I can't even explain how terrible it was to watch him waste away. I'm against prolonging someones life by medical means once they are dying due to old age and seeing my grandpa like that just solidified that view in my mind. He didn't feel any pain in those last few weeks, but the final time I visited him he didn't know who I was and couldn't even speak, hell I'm tearing up just writing this... Luckily I had formula sae to keep me busy. Summer came and I went to Cali with the team and we placed 2nd which was the best the school had ever finished! I went back to the east coast to visit relatives I hadn't seen since I was 17 or 18(now 21) and for my grandpa's funeral. I was back home for a few weeks then went off to Europe with the team for FSG and FSA. FSG was heartbreaking, we were set up for a guaranteed podium finish among 78 teams and our muffler fell off in endurance disqualifying us...FSA went well and we dominated the other 23 teams. Then four of us rented a car and proceeded on an excellent 5 day euro trip adventure which is really where this blog starts.

Junior year comes and I way overloaded myself, effectively taking 22 credits with 6 or 7 unregsitered because I'd have to pay for them otherwise. I worked like a slave on the formula car and barely passed classes...I bought a volvo 242 for a project car, then a '90 740 16v for the motor, then a '80 244 for parts, then a '70 2002 for parts. It took me until summer to finally get rid of all of them and that brings us full circle to the start of my post.

It's funny, what began as "this is why I anticipate and fear growing up" turned into a summary of my life and it was really intended to be a glimpse into my life reorganization in the face of reality catching up with me. So to conclude, I have been trying to reduce my load of possessions by selling off car parts(dual purpose to fund my current projects). I have also been trying to become less attached to other possessions, realizing that with the advent of craigslist I can always find new crap(like furniture) easily. I've also taken a step back and not involved myself much in Formula SAE this year, I'm not doing design like I did last year however I will be helping with construction just as much. A part of me feels like I'm letting the team down, but I also recognize I gave them a lot of my time over the last two years. This being my last year in school, I really would like to have a semi-normal year for once. That is also why I'm trying to get myself back into riding and I fully intend to get back to Port Angeles again this spring. All of this material possession purging and course of life changing has been keeping me up at night, because I've finally began to realize how much stuff I really had and the daunting task at hand of reducing the clutter with out throwing it away.

I recognize it is for the better and it will make my transition into "the real world" that much easier. Besides, who says I have to grow up! I'll always be a kid at heart.